I have been in transition for some time now...
This morning I wrote... "Negative Nancy's, need not bother, I'm winning-not whining!!!! Ego aside, what pride! It's Game time! New offense in place, strengthen my defense and block! It's 4th in 1, down by 1... Bring your heart, A game won't cut it on this play! How BAD do you want it? Time to heal any hurt I caused! Time to build weak relationships! Time to mend broken bridges and wash my hands-hand ME the ball coach, here I come! Time to WIN this!!!!!! GUT CHECK! Either you got it or you don't?!?!! Give up, I'd rather die!" As I was writing this I was thinking, mannnn its Game time like strait up game time. Its the last play the determining factor. I guess that isn't so with life... or is it? I mean i could picture the 4th in 1 play i was describing.. Intensity.. just all heart, so if'y, so much lays on this one second all you have thrown into this, all you have given for soooo long in one seconds time, it rests??? WOW! But really its so true with every breath with every word you have to embellish your heart and passion upon it! It may be your last!
Just so much in life as we see it is obsolete... or so it should be!
If I were to die today would I be satisfied?
No, no I would not! Will I ever be......... Will the world ever be at peace? Will the world ever be kind? or caring? will the world ever harmonize with and Amae mind frame, or a Jesus like outlook will this world adopt the Rumi's, Mother Theresa's, Buddhas, Martin Luther's the Abe Lincoln, The kid in class praying and the rebels mind frame? Ever? See prob not... so no I will not be satisfied...
If I were to die today I would die humbled...
The past months have torn me from my family-robbed my kids of their mother and stole my life from me it feels... that's not so! This is my life the one I made, the one I was given... I cannot compare my days to that of others. I cannot compare my way to that of others. This is what "I" have!
I do not have what you have, I do not do as you do...
This is my struggle... the one "I" created all on my own in my way! No I must fight it in my way.. not yours, or theirs. Just mine. See as I grew up I had it easy. I had it perfect... really:) That's not now, that's not reality. My daddy's money is not my own, my daddy's house is not my own, his way not mine, his glory not mine, his happiness not mine... those are all HIS blessings, due to him! from his hard work and struggles, from his responsible decisions and his triumph! Not mine! This is my behind the scenes.... It is no ones fault but mine that I started early, that I jumped the gun... I brought four defenseless children into this unfair and hard place... before the curtain was to be raised!
but, its up. Its show time. This is what "I" have... The guts and glory theme song is playing whatever it is... as my heart mourns for my kids. They are my struggle, they are my hardship and pain... without them there would be none! All my sacrifice comes from a hope to make the world they live in a better place! To give them the life as Children of a King deserve. I hope and pray with every thought of me in a light less than I love them more than anything imaginable... that one day they will know and see that to this world they owe nothing! That my battles and struggles are for their freedom, and security and that I have to show them what a WOMAN is and what they will be... Nothings promised but death... and its only promised to come sometime in your life... when will that be? When you give up on your dreams, or give into the world, or enslave yourself to normalcy... or when you sit down and stop fighting for whats right for man, or when you teach your children to embrace contentment... or that love comes wrapped in some pretty package of comfortable and easy, that love is definable, that love only speaks words and spends time, that love is what your neighbor calls it...
Love to ME is... teachings, hard lessons, putting emotion ASIDE even though its so hard bc those feelings are engulfing your soul like a wild fire, telling the hurtful, saying whats needed not wanted, leading by example, hurting so that other one day may rejoice, TRUSTING, believing, having hope and SACRIFICING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To my children: do "I" love you? Theres NO way in a single life I could do all the things to show you how much I LOVE YOU! With all true sacrifice comes reward... I have faith in our God our life will be AMAZING when "this" season has passed... Hold on with me, I will never leave you! EVER... Life is NOT easy nor fair... but its YOURS embrace it! "theres no greater joy than to spend your life the way you want to" Be lost in God so that His way is yours and all else will come in due time!
Its hard to asses ones own self, or life... to face life as YOU, yet a non bias ignorant in touch with reality self... Fighting for your beliefs and your way... Man the world is cruel.
"just smile"-Nichole Morgan
Its such a weakness of mine, to show no weakness... Each day I just go threw the grind... some days without even speaking to my children? How can I do this? Do this to them... I dont want them to know its hard, I dont want them to see me hurt or see my fear... I only want them to know I know its ok, This is a small thing to a giant, God. That this life is and was a gift and dont enslave yourself to emotion... the FACT's are: God is great, He is for me... WHO, could be against me..., This is but one of many of valleys to come... Right? NO way! I pray for that middle to embrace them and get our day back. The day, the day to spend and laugh and play and FEEL each others love!
What has become of me?
IDK....
All I know is...
Its's gonna be ok.
